syasandeul

One of the most awestruck moments that I always feel so deeply even with goosebumps is when I started to realize how amazing and beautiful the stories of our life that Allah has written for all of us.

and this story, is about mine.

To be very frank, I've always had this fear of getting older, because adulting is not as easy as it seems like. That was not what my 16-year-old-self would think though. During school where I had friends to share everything with, and with not much problems to figure out myself at that time (other than doing addmaths haha), I used to think adulting is going to be a lot of fun, freedom and also having your own money = rich, and you gonna have everything figured out.

The truth is....

jeng jeng jeng... 

if any of the school kids happen to read this, 

dear love,

please enjoy your school / studies to the fullest.

I'm glad that I didn't wasted my studies moments. Now, they are such beautiful moments worth reminiscing every single time, I promise.

and back to the story of what happened during 2024, 2025 & 2026 to me, was in summary, AN EXTREME ROLLERCOASTER ride.

I really have no idea how I'm still surviving at this point, but thanks so much Allah for allowing me to go through all of these and to grant me a baby of my own.

Yup,

you heard it right.

So, in 2024 I got married in September. 

and, I got a baby in July 2025.

To get in more details, she is now called my beautiful Naila, buah hati dan cinta hati saya.

Present to you,

I couldn't get in any more details cause I gotta go and finish up my work. Maybe I'll comeback soonnnnn.! 

But, all in all, I'd say there are so many things that are out of control no matter how hard we try. and sometimes, there are gonna be times where we might make a decision that we feel like it's a "wrong decision" but I believe there are wisdom that yet to unfold. We might not understand it yet. May Allah make it sufficient for us, always.

If you have some free time, do watch this series from Nouman Ali Khan: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGEIbpaigIA (a good reminder to leave everything to Allah regarding what's out of our control)

xo

So, early 2022? Was it welcoming or more likely to be a dreadful trailer for another episode of life-horror?  

Life itself is always a journey of ups and downs, or maybe we could imagine it as a roller coaster with a long trail and unknown directions of reaching to our destination. Something that I'd always tryna remind myself is that "it's okay as long as you show up, as long you keep going, it's going to be fine..but just don't give up." 

I'd always try to remind myself no matter how terrible, miserable, life is getting to me, it does not mean I'm a total misery. By failing today does not equal to a whole failure life. The reason I do that? I always feel like a failure. I always end up blaming myself at the end of the day. It feels like, I was never enough (I did never write such things in my blog hahaha). 

I did dig it deeper, as I mentioned before in my previous post: I joined this one character development class and they have this support group apa semua. I'm not gonna say it helps me for 100% but it has helped me somehow like maybe 10%: (1) in the way of my pov of looking at things, (2) improving my communication with people around me, (3) find my own strengths and weaknesses & maybe some other things that I might not list down here.

and Yes, I'd really want to make a post specifically for that, like explaining all the main things I've highlighted above in more particular aspects of how it's been doing/impacting my real-life. 

Tau tak it's quite fun to discover many things about yourself yang you haven't known before? I have yet more to learn about myself though I think.... tapi kan, it's pretty much more exhilarating kalau we also initiate to learn about people around us like our parents, siblings, close friends, mutual followers, and so on. Sebab kita akan rasa macam "ohh so dia memang suka macam tu.. okay lepas ni I know how to ambil hati dia more.." and with that, you akan rasa your relationship with people is getting better (but I love doing it in a way that it's not draining myself.. meaning if you keep doing it tapi you rasa drain afterwards, it's pretty much a sign to stop! know your limits haaa gituh)

I perasan one thing about me: my social battery suka drains tau lately hahaha (I'm not sure effects of covid/lockdown ke apa -- sebab dulu I was much more energetic than I am today tbh) so I akan rasa macam malas nak socialize sangat at a point and if you pernah rasa macam tu jugak, let me tell you something. 

Sebenarnya, people don't understand why suddenly you diam and don't want to talk much, padahal you feel comfortable with that, tau? So diam or more likely shutting people down (the-soc-called silent treatment) actually shatters the relationship quality. It makes the relationship no longer ada sparks, fun and so on. It will slowly get dull, another party might start to withdraw, and so... you'll end up (probably) ruining it. 

I started to understand this better after a few of declines, rejections and criticism from people too! I'm not gonna give you a solution but here's some suggestions/ideas of what could be done if you rasa nak withdraw kejap from socializing:

• Acknowledge your feelings (angry, grumpy, disappoint)
• Tell people what you feel (you feel low, demotivated, etc)
• Communicate your needs (you need some space and time for your own.. let them know!)
• Acknowledge their "presence" and "efforts" to you (mention it to them that you're aware of it)

For me, kalau kita sayang our relationship be it friendship, family or anything also can be lah -- we'll make efforts trying to preserve it rather than giving it up. 

I love the way how @maisarahmahmud talks about the little things she discover in her life -- from relationship with friends, siblings, to grocery shopping, places she travel to, and so on. For some of us, they may seem "little things" and nothing much have to do with us BUT I promise you, once you start counting these "little things", you'll realize how IMPACTFUL they are to your life as a whole and how they have SHAPED you into who you are today.

One of the reasons I started to write weekly (dalam my notes) or monthly journal (dalam blogspot) of life-updates: sebab I feel like kita manusia mudah betul lupa -- harini kita rasa sedih dan kecewa sebab Tuhan bagi ujian untuk kita sabar tapi akan ada satu hari, kita syukur dan bahagia sangat -- sebab Tuhan tak pernah lupa how we endured all the pains before. He knows. and we know not. 

Cuma satu yang I still feel hard to keep being consistent with is drawing closer to Allah each day. I still remember how last ramadan back in 2021 was for me -- I was so passionate to do terawih and so on but at the end of the year, I started rasa "were all prayers accepted though?" I started rasa distant from God and I swear it's not okay. Reaching to Allah is not about one day of submission to Him -- it's about a daily consistent efforts to show up to Him no matter how rough it feels on our side. Sebab He sees it, He acknowledges and He will reward lepas all of  those efforts to get closer to Him despite being in "those terrible/tiring/miserable" days.

Punya susah nak sabar tu I swear lagi lagi I am very impatient. Alhamdulillah this year I banyak latih diri untuk sabar -- it's hard, it's not easy (many days of failing but totally giving up is not the option) -- but it's all gonna be worth it in front of Him. So dearself, please sabar, sabar and sabar. Allah is with you. 

So I was looking at Hong Bangjang in front of the coffee shop - yup, I bought myself a blended coffee from it! (someone pls stop me before I exaggerate my narrative hahahaha)

Obviously being in Gongjin Coffee Shop is a made up story because Gongjin doesn't even exist in real life haha. and to make it sounds more dramatic, Hong Bangjang and Hyejin were made-up-characters which means those people doesn't resemble anyone in real life because where?? where do they exist? Ok enough with that. 

Oh btw, the background photo above credits to this page. Yes, it was photoshopped. I did hahah

So recently I went to Penang Hill after the so-called-loooong-covid-break I guess? and Alhamdulillah, the place boleh tahan crowded but masing masing macam take care of our own self so that's good. I love the fact that we have to wear mask now sebab maybe I could feel more confident. sobs. 

Can't imagine that one day we have to be mask-less dah, because right now my confidence level keep ebbing and I also kinda do not give a damn about it in the meantime. I'm both heartless & sometimes still think about it. Perhaps cause I'm in my 20s - where I'm half don't care about looks and another half still worrying. Make sense or no?

Whatever it may be, I'm dumping some of my photos here. 

it's only the filter, in reality you might want to slap my face tibah gitu :p

while waiting for my oreo ice-blended at the foodcourt @ Penang Hill

with Ana, my lil cutie adik sedara. height-difference-wise: not much difference :( haha

My outfit details (from top):

• Eyelash cotton shawl - bought it from my senior @shawlculture (i love this material sebab it's ringan & flowy and now they're having gift box set as well - which means you can buy & bagi hadiah to your friends or family members)
• Stripes shirt - Uniqlo
• Baggy jeans - My sister's haha!

and of course, Penang from the bird view is the top-tier <3 please enjoy the view

I've got to go for now so 'til then! xo

*might be updating something related to my studies organization later on (Being organized all the time is not really my forte but -- to be continued in next post! see you)

Annyeong! Here's my life update in the middle of the year. I mean it's August now, we're almost done with 2021. Well, it's been a tough year for us, isn't it? You know what? We ain't sure about what's coming - might be a lot more challenging huh? BUT OF COURSE, I pray that Allah will make things easy for us because He knows what's ahead of us and what is behind us (2:255, learn about ayatul kursi by Nouman Ali Khan here).

It was the third or fourth day of my first week of internship that I was asked to not come to office anymore because everyone was working from home & so we had too. Life started to feel about the same almost everyday because here's the list:

8.30am - attend daily meeting

8.30am - 1.00pm - usually get the work done within this time gap

2.30pm - attend meeting with supervisor (to update & present my project progress)

Bingo! That was my daily routine on the first few weeks of my internship. Let's be real: I felt pretty much excited on the first few weeks until life gets repetitive & I didn't get to go out much because it was lockdown & whatnots. I still get to go out though but it means just nearby area to buy groceries, food supplies and stuffs. Not much of having fun outside. Only having fun by doing things on the Internet: binge watching kdrama, movie series, blabla. I believe some of you are with me? Ke tak??? Please tell me I'm not alone. TT.

So.. one day I got myself getting a part-time job just to kill some time on the weekend & (YES OF COURSE) for getting myself pocket-money. It was like.. the only time that I can go out & socialize f2f haha. Sebab I worked as a service crew at that time so I had to talk to customers cam tu la. It was fun & challenging at the same time. The fun side is because the colleagues while the challenging side ada dua: 1) rude customers & 2) closing time. Not only that, the SOP that kept changing had also gave me headache because it affected my working hour and somehow my flexible time dah tak flexible sangat. Fyi, I just wanna write it here as a sharing experience for the readers on how the part-time works (cam tu la kot I guess?).

My routine scheduled changed after I got into the part-time & my sleeping pattern was not consistent - it wasn't healthy but I can cope with it so takpe I cam "I ken do diz" so I just go.. until the store ran out of staffs and I had to come in & replace this & that person - that was sumpah tiring cuz you kinda overwork. The moral story here: Please be nice to the staffs to any store you go because .. as they said "The world is short staffed. At least be nice to those that showed up." My schedule masa tu siang was about internship and malam was about part-time and weekend pun part-time but luckily sometime I still curi curi masa tengok kdrama. That was so important to me. Haha! (charging my fun-battery). Tapi my mental was draining jugak la tbh cuz I was super restless.

Ok I selit selit la ek the internship story dengan part-time. On the internship side, alhamdulillah I managed it well and I need to thank both of my supervisor and manager dekat part-time store where I work because they both are very understanding. I just explained to them my situation and I completed the project or tasks given to me on time and alhamdulillah all is well. Thank God. 

So maybe I can share with you guys some of the pictures I captured and leave them here for kenangan-purpose.

On the last day of internship which was today (27th August 2021)

Look at me being excited working with Web RTC!

With colleagues at the part-time store ~

Yesss, I made pizza hshshs

And here's a selfie of sakit kepala from me