syasandeul

So, early 2022? Was it welcoming or more likely to be a dreadful trailer for another episode of life-horror?  

Life itself is always a journey of ups and downs, or maybe we could imagine it as a roller coaster with a long trail and unknown directions of reaching to our destination. Something that I'd always tryna remind myself is that "it's okay as long as you show up, as long you keep going, it's going to be fine..but just don't give up." 

I'd always try to remind myself no matter how terrible, miserable, life is getting to me, it does not mean I'm a total misery. By failing today does not equal to a whole failure life. The reason I do that? I always feel like a failure. I always end up blaming myself at the end of the day. It feels like, I was never enough (I did never write such things in my blog hahaha). 

I did dig it deeper, as I mentioned before in my previous post: I joined this one character development class and they have this support group apa semua. I'm not gonna say it helps me for 100% but it has helped me somehow like maybe 10%: (1) in the way of my pov of looking at things, (2) improving my communication with people around me, (3) find my own strengths and weaknesses & maybe some other things that I might not list down here.

and Yes, I'd really want to make a post specifically for that, like explaining all the main things I've highlighted above in more particular aspects of how it's been doing/impacting my real-life. 

Tau tak it's quite fun to discover many things about yourself yang you haven't known before? I have yet more to learn about myself though I think.... tapi kan, it's pretty much more exhilarating kalau we also initiate to learn about people around us like our parents, siblings, close friends, mutual followers, and so on. Sebab kita akan rasa macam "ohh so dia memang suka macam tu.. okay lepas ni I know how to ambil hati dia more.." and with that, you akan rasa your relationship with people is getting better (but I love doing it in a way that it's not draining myself.. meaning if you keep doing it tapi you rasa drain afterwards, it's pretty much a sign to stop! know your limits haaa gituh)

I perasan one thing about me: my social battery suka drains tau lately hahaha (I'm not sure effects of covid/lockdown ke apa -- sebab dulu I was much more energetic than I am today tbh) so I akan rasa macam malas nak socialize sangat at a point and if you pernah rasa macam tu jugak, let me tell you something. 

Sebenarnya, people don't understand why suddenly you diam and don't want to talk much, padahal you feel comfortable with that, tau? So diam or more likely shutting people down (the-soc-called silent treatment) actually shatters the relationship quality. It makes the relationship no longer ada sparks, fun and so on. It will slowly get dull, another party might start to withdraw, and so... you'll end up (probably) ruining it. 

I started to understand this better after a few of declines, rejections and criticism from people too! I'm not gonna give you a solution but here's some suggestions/ideas of what could be done if you rasa nak withdraw kejap from socializing:

• Acknowledge your feelings (angry, grumpy, disappoint)
• Tell people what you feel (you feel low, demotivated, etc)
• Communicate your needs (you need some space and time for your own.. let them know!)
• Acknowledge their "presence" and "efforts" to you (mention it to them that you're aware of it)

For me, kalau kita sayang our relationship be it friendship, family or anything also can be lah -- we'll make efforts trying to preserve it rather than giving it up. 

I love the way how @maisarahmahmud talks about the little things she discover in her life -- from relationship with friends, siblings, to grocery shopping, places she travel to, and so on. For some of us, they may seem "little things" and nothing much have to do with us BUT I promise you, once you start counting these "little things", you'll realize how IMPACTFUL they are to your life as a whole and how they have SHAPED you into who you are today.

One of the reasons I started to write weekly (dalam my notes) or monthly journal (dalam blogspot) of life-updates: sebab I feel like kita manusia mudah betul lupa -- harini kita rasa sedih dan kecewa sebab Tuhan bagi ujian untuk kita sabar tapi akan ada satu hari, kita syukur dan bahagia sangat -- sebab Tuhan tak pernah lupa how we endured all the pains before. He knows. and we know not. 

Cuma satu yang I still feel hard to keep being consistent with is drawing closer to Allah each day. I still remember how last ramadan back in 2021 was for me -- I was so passionate to do terawih and so on but at the end of the year, I started rasa "were all prayers accepted though?" I started rasa distant from God and I swear it's not okay. Reaching to Allah is not about one day of submission to Him -- it's about a daily consistent efforts to show up to Him no matter how rough it feels on our side. Sebab He sees it, He acknowledges and He will reward lepas all of  those efforts to get closer to Him despite being in "those terrible/tiring/miserable" days.

Punya susah nak sabar tu I swear lagi lagi I am very impatient. Alhamdulillah this year I banyak latih diri untuk sabar -- it's hard, it's not easy (many days of failing but totally giving up is not the option) -- but it's all gonna be worth it in front of Him. So dearself, please sabar, sabar and sabar. Allah is with you.